Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!