@BucMarvin: Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: I just got asked to work on a "special project" which is boss for "This was assigned to me but you're smarter so here you do it."
@SamGrittner: *goes to pond* *duck hands me $100* "Give me the hard stuff." *hands over bag of croutons*
@Brampersandon_: [infomercial] ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?! AUDIENCE: YES! *a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
@MaladjustedMind: Dating is like playing musical chairs. Somewhere between 25&30 the music stopped& everyone grabbed a husband. I must've been in the bathroom