*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
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My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.