@iwearaonesie: mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!? [flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift's "Love Story" in the car on the way over] me: Yes

@theshantilly: *avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend *keeps avoiding eye contact *walks by friend *hears friend calling name *breaks into a run

@XplodingUnicorn: My love for my kids is like my data plan: Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

@Black__Elvis: I used to struggle to keep food on the table until I Googled "how to get your pet turtle Charles to hold still because he's a table now."

@SarcasticCharm: I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.