@WheelTod: [Trying to hire a hitman] “Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

@10InchesPlus: "Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!" - literally no one ever

@OhNoSheTwitnt: I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying "at least I didn't kill anybody" to like every person he sees today.

@KimmyMonte: I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

@RandiLawson: For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can't even right now, obvs press THREE.