@DirtMcTurd: Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white

@Fred_Delicious: [arrives at the gates of hell] Satan - "WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE... WE DON'T HAVE LASAGNA" Me - "um...ok?" [Satan checks list] "Is your name Garfield?" "No" "Huh. List says Garfield"

@sofarrsogud: [Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

@primawesome: Sorry I'm late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

@Dawn_M_: If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.