@iwearaonesie: mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift's "Love Story" in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
@theshantilly: *avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend
*keeps avoiding eye contact
*walks by friend
*hears friend calling name
*breaks into a run
@XplodingUnicorn: My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
@Black__Elvis: I used to struggle to keep food on the table until I Googled "how to get your pet turtle Charles to hold still because he's a table now."
@SarcasticCharm: I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
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