@trevso_electric: Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
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@webofevil: Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word "wifi" rather than "le signal librement accessible sans l'utilisation de fils" or some shit.
@secondofhername: [if Lois Lane was a witness] Criminal: *puts on glasses* Lois Lane: I'm sorry, I've never seen this man before.
@mlinhart: LIFE HACK: If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you
@NotThatKevin: At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven't got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.