@trevso_electric: Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
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@BobTheSuit: Realtor: Why r u moving? Me: I've been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won't let me open my silverware drawer.
@leahlovescheez: Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....
@thegreatnanak: Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all. She: you ate them all didn't you? Me: and we have a winner.