[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
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haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.