Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
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Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know