@EndhooS: Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don't care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
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@FrogAvalanche: *National Spelling Bee Final - Spell cyclops. - Use in a sentence. - Cyclops have one eye. *winks at audience - C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
@ThisLocalHater: [Therapist’s office] Husband: She takes everything, literally T: What do you mean? *Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*
@ch000ch: he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
@ojedge: Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] "You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes…" Me: "Umm, it's 'fish'." M: "This. This is why."