Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
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You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
They got a point!
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.