Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
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Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then