Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
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Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
This meal prepping shit easy
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*