@mydanimarie: Guns don't kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
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@UncleDuke1969: [mall] Me: That guy looks SO familiar! Wife: … M: Maybe an actor? Musician? W: … M: I’ll get an autograph! W: He’s our mailman, moron.
@sixthformpoet: If you watch Twitter backwards, it's about millions of socially-awkward people gradually learning how to survive in the real world.
@jackmackenroth: If I had kids I would name them Ctrl, Alt and Delete so when they misbehaved I would just hit them all at once.
@TampaBayMomma: Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.