Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
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“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.