whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
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Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me