Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
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Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
2 years later
Thrilling chase underway
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car