Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
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“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze