I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
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Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.