In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
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Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Bloody internet 😳
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
*lint rolls you awake*
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.