GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
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Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Optional boss fight.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you