GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
You Might Also Like
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?