GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
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I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
No Google it does not
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*