Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.