Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
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my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
when there are deer in the woods
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.