@AllyBallyBeal: Guy across the road can't get his truck started. Now he's rolled up his sleeves. That's how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
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@Jfficial: People laugh cause I've got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who'll be laughing then?
@iGreenMonk: I'm so embarrassed. I just learned that that Pringles holder on my treadmill is for water bottles!
@astutenewf: *boss at staff meeting* Hey, do you have anything positive to add to this meeting? Yeah, I just realized I can sleep with my eyes open.
@ThisOneSayz: Me: want a grilled cheese? 6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat. Me: you got it.