Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
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Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.