Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
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they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?