GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
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in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.