GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
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ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
The 6 types of sex
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once