GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
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I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours