GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
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As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.