Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
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My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.