Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
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Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on