her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
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First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
being a writer on Twitter:
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.