Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
You Might Also Like
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I need a headline like this
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.