If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
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Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I only look at Wordle for the articles
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
cyclists
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
One venti cheeseburger please.