@michaelianblack: Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn't have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.
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@kristygee: I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
@Sickayduh: Her: I think you're getting too into those Hobbit movies Me: *stops gluing a beard on the baby* what?
@WilliamAder: Turned off my lights for "earth hour". I've never had so many other cars honking at me.
@Cheeseboy22: I don't understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.