@michaelianblack: Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn't have waffle cones but they had PICTURES of waffle cones. That guy was me.
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@Jeffwni: 13yo Jesus: You're not my real dad! I HATE YOU! Joseph: One of these days boy, I'll— [distant thunder] I'll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
@sixfootcandy: Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies? Me: We were robbed. Husband: They only took the cookies? Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
@BetteMidler: Donald Trump calls on Hillary to shut down her foundation. Meanwhile, we’re all still begging him to choose a more natural color for his.
@BlindVigil: Here's my ONLY problem with Evolution: When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?