Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
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I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
the clam before the storm
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.