guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
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My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
President The Rock Obama
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus