guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
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There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.