@clindsaysway: Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
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@MattOswaltVA: couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
@IamEnidColeslaw: you know who else had a "fun hat phase"? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
@Nyx422: This bum said everyone who gives him $10 gets a "special" surprise in the alley. My gut says no......but my heart says its a puppy!
@BrainFumbles: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the tru-" I choose dare, your honor "Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant"