Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
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We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Shower sex be like:
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.