@DepecheALAmode: Guy at the gym had "True Gentleman" tattooed on his arm. I was about to make fun of him, but he held the door for me as I left. Great guy.
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@daemonic3: [Home Depot] "Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails" Clerk: Oh, with a little head? "Nah, just verbally"
@kimlockhartga: We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch: Omelet Easydozen Florentine Pepperbatter
@thedad: [House has collapsed] Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I'm not sure we'll find him in time Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I'LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON *rubble starts to move*
@Underchilde: They say they’re free weights, but the gym gets pissed if you put them in your car and leave.