*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Google Pay be like:
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?