@KenJennings: Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.
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@matt___nelson: I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we're all gonna die in 2012
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I posted "Happy Almost Mother's Day!" on this chick I grew up with's Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.