@KenJennings: Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.
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@CovertAgentP: Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
@DirtMcTurd: Ex (trying to make me jealous): I'm going to a party, everyone's drinking, laughing, and having fun! Me: that'll all stop once you show up
@CurlsOnGirls: I love people who order coffee like they're giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
@Tuna_Lover: I'm never at a loss for words when I'm drunk. I just can't pronounce most of them and I make up three or four new one's.