TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
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*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Seems legit
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
BETRAYAL
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.