Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
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Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works