I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
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Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
This anagram machine is out of order.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Ah..makes sense now
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after