My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
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Thursday Thought.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit