[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting