Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
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i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Check out the legs on this baby
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!