I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
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why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Bruh PLEASE
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops