@elenacresci: guy cheats on ex. Ex blocks on all platforms. Unblocks just to send GoT spoilers every week
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@KeetPotato: *gives gf a small gift wrapped box* "aww what's this, youre so sweet" *opens it* "wait, is this my toothbrush?" YOU DONT LIVE HERE KAREN
@davidschneider: God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how's 2016 been? Did you cope OK? Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
@IamEveryDayPpl: Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons...