[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
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[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.