guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
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Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Clients after you give them your rates
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …