Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
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*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.