GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
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“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I finally found a reason to live again.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
oh my god
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes