me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
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If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.