GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
damn he’s good
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”